Kids: conflict transformation and mediation

Ivy and Zoe are back with their mother and soon will be headed back to their other new home in Europe. We really enjoyed having the girls here. Jerome took a few weeks of vacation and we all had a lot of fun playing and exploring new areas. Having two four-year-olds and a five-year-old requires a lot of attention and energy. I think this seems like an age with a lot of transitions. The girls are all still learning where they can be independent, when they need to ask, and how to best communicate their needs and desires.

I think communication is a fascinating subject. When people are together though, misunderstandings and confrontation are unavoidable. A little over a year ago (two years ago?) I discovered Non-Violent Communication when I ran across the book in a library. It is a way of expressing your feelings and transforming conflict. Jerome and I have used this throughout our relationship when we are feeling, tense, stressed, hurt, or having a hard time understanding each other. We use it with Phoenix to help her communicate when she is upset. Phoenix really seems to enjoy it and often steps in as mediator for other kids who aren't getting along well. At our Mommas and Babes camping trip Phoenix would step in to help Shelby and Grace when they would get upset and yell at each other, helping them to communicate effectively.

When Ivy and Zoe were here it was fun watching the girls take responsibility to resolve their own conflicts.

It breaks down to:

1 Observation (objective)

2 Feelings

3 Needs

4 Request (of the other person)

For kids we often guide the process as so:

ok, wait, take a deep breath

Now (to kid #1)) tell me what you saw happen.

(To kid #2) tell me what you saw happen.

(To kid #1) Tell your sister/friend how that made you feel

(Now kid #2's turn to share feelings)

Each kid then gets asked what he/she needs and how he/she thinks that this need can be met.

Both kids are usually able to resolve things at this point.

After a few times we tell that they can work it out between themselves, because they now have a template. It is really fun when there is a third kid to act as mediator. They take charge and act so grown-up, it is like another game.

. . .not to say that there are not times that we all get tired and irritable and end up having quiet time or nap time instead of talking through a conflict . . .

I really want to do the NVC workbook and attend a conference sometime.

www.cnvc.org

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

Marshall B. Rosenberg